Updated from a previous post
There was a point in my life, actually a couple months prior to my first episode, that I really felt like I was being used by God. I was sharing my faith constantly, reaching out to others with insight and so many things were aligning. It felt like I had some sort of divine appointment several times a day, and I was hearing from God persistently. Every direction I turned, there was an assignment for me, and I had so much joy being obedient to God’s call. I thrived living outside of my comfort zone. Walking with Him was so exciting, a real life adventure.
The thing about that season was that it started out real, God was working and moving, but it quickly escalated and unfortunately led up to my initial manic episode. It happened rather suddenly, and there was a shift from a love of Jesus to an obsession with being used by Him. This was when I began having a false view of reality, racing thoughts, grandiose ideas not at all based in truth. This is when I lost control and the chemical imbalance took over. This is when it became clear that I was sick and ended up in a police car on the way to the hospital.
I’ve been extremely confused by the manic times in my life, trying to separate what was physical and what was emotional or spiritual. What was a chemical imbalance and what me believing something that wasn’t real? What was a physical illness and what was a result of something else?
I’m no professional, but over the years I’ve landed here. I DO have a mental illness that displays itself through mania and sometimes depression. It IS a chemical imbalance that I cannot control. However, pride and insecurity is something that I’ve always struggled with throughout my life. And let me tell you, that pride is on steroids the few times I’ve been manic. It’s magnified out of control so much so that I feel like I’m the star of a movie and the whole world is revolving around me.
This is a result of the mania, but it’s definitely an underlying issue of mine that seems to be blown up when I’m sick. It’s a mess of imbalanced chemicals, my own pride, and twisted truth. This is exactly why I believe it’s so important to address both the physical issues of mental illness as well as the spiritual and emotional components.
Doctors and medication, true provisions from God, are used to get those brain chemicals back in order. I take medication daily to manage my bipolar disorder, just as someone uses insulin to manage diabetes. It’s case by case for everyone as far as if they need medicine and what specific medications work for them, but taking medicine is NOT a weakness or something to be ashamed of. It’s not a lack of trust in God. It’s actually trusting something that He provides through medical intervention to treat a medical disorder, it’s a common grace. I remember once thinking that medicine was going to “change me.” (and yes, it’s typically a process to find the correct balance of medications, dosages, etc.) However I learned that the right medicine didn’t change me, the chemical imbalance I have because of my bipolar I disorder is what changes me, the medication that I take to treat this disorder keeps me, “me”.
Counseling and therapy has helped me understand my emotions. I’ve had phenomenal counselors and therapists who have helped sort out life events and my feelings associated with them, and they’ve helped provide an outside party perspective. They help me work to identify and understand stressors impacting my life, and develop strategies to manage. They are highly educated professionals who have experience and credentials, and they are equipped to provide a specific type of support. I’m a firm believer that anyone and everyone can benefit from therapy, it really inspires change and improves quality of life through self-awareness and self-exploration. I’m much more in touch with my thoughts, feelings, triggers, indicators, and ways to cope because of the things I’ve learned in therapy.
Sleep, diet, and exercise is so important for my mental health and well being. Research has found that eating well, getting regular exercise, and making sure to get enough high-quality sleep each night can help boost psychological well-being and reduce the risk of conditions. I know that the seasons in my life that I’ve had the least amount of anxiety/depression and the most amount of clarity and healthy energy, are when I’m making sure I get at least 8 hours of sleep, incorporate physical activity and exercise into my routine, and focus on healthy eating.
Digging into the Bible has helped me listen to God speak, and helped me learn more of His loving character. God has never used the Bible more powerfully than when I’m seeking truth to combat that lies that I believe when I’m manic. It’s where I’ve found hope and life.
Community provides a shoulder to lean on - people to lift you up in prayer and provide tangible support. I’ve had mentors, friends, and parents who visited me in the hospital, a mom who moved up to my college town to help me graduate during a time of recovery, family who rallied around my husband as he was acting as a caretaker when I was sick early on in our dating relationship. I have amazing friends who have loved and supported me through thick and thin without judgement, and such a supportive family who understands mental illness. I have a husband who knows me and loves me unconditionally, and I know that I can fully trust him. Finding and investing in people who you can mutually share burdens with is absolutely crucial. We were not meant to go through this life alone.
An authentic, honest, and intimate relationship with Jesus is where I’ve found healing and restoration. God has overwhelmed me with His love, displayed in the Gospel and in my life moment by moment as He’s held me through the darkest and sweetest moments. It’s where I’ve found grace and comfort, and where I’ve discovered who I am made to be. It’s life and life abundant, hope and joy restored.
This is my holistic approach to mental health and managing mental illness. I’ve been blessed beyond belief to have these resources, and they are why I can live a thriving life despite this diagnosis. It’s not because of anything I did, but I’m really fortunate. Because I had these resources, I want to share with others some ways to find recovery. It’s very much case by case for each individual and their own story, but these things certainly come into play for me.
It’s fully possible for me to have a close relationship with God without being manic, this is something I’ve had a hard time with for years. But in fact, He is better than anything I could have come up in my own head and own strength when I’ve been sick. Don’t let an illness that you had no say in and no control over dictate the outcomes of your life. You can make it through, you’re not alone. It’s possible to grow from your pain to find purpose, to use your brokenness to build others up. Give yourself fully to that adventure of each day and know that support is available. God provides healing through many different means, and He wants to make you whole.
Visit Mental Health America’s site at https://mhanational.org/ for mental health resources.
