Addressing All Aspects

Updated from a previous post

There was a point in my life, actually a couple months prior to my first episode, that I really felt like I was being used by God. I was sharing my faith constantly, reaching out to others with insight and so many things were aligning. It felt like I had some sort of divine appointment several times a day, and I was hearing from God persistently. Every direction I turned, there was an assignment for me, and I had so much joy being obedient to God’s call. I thrived living outside of my comfort zone. Walking with Him was so exciting, a real life adventure.

The thing about that season was that it started out real, God was working and moving, but it quickly escalated and unfortunately led up to my initial manic episode. It happened rather suddenly, and there was a shift from a love of Jesus to an obsession with being used by Him. This was when I began having a false view of reality, racing thoughts, grandiose ideas not at all based in truth. This is when I lost control and the chemical imbalance took over. This is when it became clear that I was sick and ended up in a police car on the way to the hospital.

I’ve been extremely confused by the manic times in my life, trying to separate what was physical and what was emotional or spiritual. What was a chemical imbalance and what me believing something that wasn’t real? What was a physical illness and what was a result of something else?

I’m no professional, but over the years I’ve landed here. I DO have a mental illness that displays itself through mania and sometimes depression. It IS a chemical imbalance that I cannot control. However, pride and insecurity is something that I’ve always struggled with throughout my life. And let me tell you, that pride is on steroids the few times I’ve been manic. It’s magnified out of control so much so that I feel like I’m the star of a movie and the whole world is revolving around me. 

This is a result of the mania, but it’s definitely an underlying issue of mine that seems to be blown up when I’m sick. It’s a mess of imbalanced chemicals, my own pride, and twisted truth. This is exactly why I believe it’s so important to address both the physical issues of mental illness as well as the spiritual and emotional components. 

• Doctors and medication, true provisions from God, are used to get those brain chemicals back in order. I take medication daily to manage my bipolar disorder, just as someone uses insulin to manage diabetes. It’s case by case for everyone as far as if they need medicine and what specific medications work for them, but taking medicine is NOT a weakness or something to be ashamed of. It’s not a lack of trust in God. It’s actually trusting something that He provides through medical intervention to treat a medical disorder, it’s a common grace. I remember once thinking that medicine was going to “change me.” (and yes, it’s typically a process to find the correct balance of medications, dosages, etc.) However I learned that the right medicine didn’t change me, the chemical imbalance I have because of my bipolar I disorder is what changes me, the medication that I take to treat this disorder keeps me, “me”.

• Counseling and therapy has helped me understand my emotions. I’ve had phenomenal counselors and therapists who have helped sort out life events and my feelings associated with them, and they’ve helped provide an outside party perspective. They help me work to identify and understand stressors impacting my life, and develop strategies to manage. They are highly educated professionals who have experience and credentials, and they are equipped to provide a specific type of support. I’m a firm believer that anyone and everyone can benefit from therapy, it really inspires change and improves quality of life through self-awareness and self-exploration. I’m much more in touch with my thoughts, feelings, triggers, indicators, and ways to cope because of the things I’ve learned in therapy.

• Sleep, diet, and exercise is so important for my mental health and well being. Research has found that eating well, getting regular exercise, and making sure to get enough high-quality sleep each night can help boost psychological well-being and reduce the risk of conditions. I know that the seasons in my life that I’ve had the least amount of anxiety/depression and the most amount of clarity and healthy energy, are when I’m making sure I get at least 8 hours of sleep, incorporate physical activity and exercise into my routine, and focus on healthy eating.

• Digging into the Bible has helped me listen to God speak, and helped me learn more of His loving character. God has never used the Bible more powerfully than when I’m seeking truth to combat that lies that I believe when I’m manic. It’s where I’ve found hope and life. 

• Community provides a shoulder to lean on - people to lift you up in prayer and provide tangible support. I’ve had mentors, friends, and parents who visited me in the hospital, a mom who moved up to my college town to help me graduate during a time of recovery, family who rallied around my husband as he was acting as a caretaker when I was sick early on in our dating relationship. I have amazing friends who have loved and supported me through thick and thin without judgement, and such a supportive family who understands mental illness. I have a husband who knows me and loves me unconditionally, and I know that I can fully trust him. Finding and investing in people who you can mutually share burdens with is absolutely crucial. We were not meant to go through this life alone.

• An authentic, honest, and intimate relationship with Jesus is where I’ve found healing and restoration. God has overwhelmed me with His love, displayed in the Gospel and in my life moment by moment as He’s held me through the darkest and sweetest moments. It’s where I’ve found grace and comfort, and where I’ve discovered who I am made to be. It’s life and life abundant, hope and joy restored. 

This is my holistic approach to mental health and managing mental illness. I’ve been blessed beyond belief to have these resources, and they are why I can live a thriving life despite this diagnosis. It’s not because of anything I did, but I’m really fortunate. Because I had these resources, I want to share with others some ways to find recovery. It’s very much case by case for each individual and their own story, but these things certainly come into play for me.

It’s fully possible for me to have a close relationship with God without being manic, this is something I’ve had a hard time with for years. But in fact, He is better than anything I could have come up in my own head and own strength when I’ve been sick. Don’t let an illness that you had no say in and no control over dictate the outcomes of your life. You can make it through, you’re not alone. It’s possible to grow from your pain to find purpose, to use your brokenness to build others up. Give yourself fully to that adventure of each day and know that support is available. God provides healing through many different means, and He wants to make you whole.  

Visit Mental Health America’s site at https://mhanational.org/ for mental health resources.

Back to Bright-Eyed

It’s been over 4 years and a lot has been packed into that somewhat short but incredibly meaningful time. Rewinding to early 2020, my previous marriage had ended and deep heartbreak and pain were at the forefront, seemingly hijacking my story. I knew it’d be a very different kind of year moving forward, little did I know 2020 was going to be an unfamiliar struggle for the world at large. 

I was so fortunate to have a support system that is so much stronger than I had ever known. It was a year of trial but also a year of discovery and perseverance. A year of finding myself again, and determining my own path. Innocence and unrealistic expectations were replaced with experience and real life 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈. 

This was the part in my story where I decided to take back every hope and dream that my heart once held. Knowing that it’s not always perfect or easy makes life all the more worthwhile. Right after my last blog post in February 2020, I went on a spur of the moment trip to Cabo with friends to celebrate the beauty that can come with big changes in life. I’m grateful for incredible friends that are there to rally when things are hard, they were so crucial during this time and certainly gave me hope for the future. This ended up being a very important trip, one that would impact the rest of my life.

Nick was also in Cabo on a very last minute invitation from his grandparents, through a series of ironic circumstances. We both had no intension of meeting anyone on this trip, but thanks to some encouraging from my friends, I downloaded a dating app "just to see how they work." Thanks to the app’s location settings, Nick and I were able to connect. We didn't meet in person, but began talking back and forth. Once we were back home (Nick in Illinois, me in Texas), messages turned into long phone conversations and video calls. A really solid connection was formed over a short time, and we decided it was worth meeting in person.

Nick booked a flight to Texas shortly after in March of 2020. Once he landed in Houston, we were planning to drive to Austin for a weekend away. My mom said she needed to meet him first "just in case she needed to pick him out of a lineup." Needless to say, we had a great trip and were so excited to plan the next time we'd see each other...just in time for a global pandemic. We dated long distance and traveled back and forth that year, staying for extended periods of time and getting to know each other’s family members and friends. We really couldn't remember a time before each other, and we realized both of us felt just like "home."

The summer of 2021 was a very challenging one when I went through my fourth manic episode. Mental illness was something brand new to Nick, but he went way above and beyond the call of duty and supported me with the most patient, enduring, and steadfast love. His amazing support system rallied along with mine, and I became stable within a couple months. Depression inevitably followed, but I walked through it with this wonderful person by my side. Just when I thought my support system couldn’t get any stronger, God gave me Nick, and I’m beyond grateful.

I moved to St. Louis later that year, and I’m really proud of the life we’re building together. We've walked through a lot together over the past 4 years, and have supported, encouraged, and loved each other wholeheartedly. We’ve learned so much from each other, and our unique strengths and characteristics bring a much needed balance. We share a natural open-mindedness and we’re up for almost anything, which has been a huge part of our relationship and has helped us adopt each other’s interests.

I am beyond convinced that God writes the very best love stories, way better than anything we could have come up with on our own. I’m certain that Nick was the person I am meant to be with, but I’m very thankful for the journey that we were both on that led us to each other. Without the winding road, I never would have found Nick and I don’t think we would have been drawn to each other without our past experiences (more on that later). We had a dream of a wedding a couple weeks ago on June 15th and we’re excited to continue to live this beautiful life to its fullest.

I’m more passionate than ever in sharing the absolute possibility of a full, vibrant, and meaningful life regardless of a diagnosis, or any other obstacle that at the time feels like there’s no path forward. Now in this new chapter, I hope to use this as an outlet to share tidbits and insights from my experience, as well as compile stories from the incredible people I’ve met along the way that have walked through their own obstacles and emerged bright-eyed.

Wedding recap video

Embracing Our Story

I have a passion for storytelling, and the desire to see people accept and even embrace the journey that makes up their own personal story. It’s taken some time, but I’ve grown to see the beauty of the path I’ve walked. My hope is that we can can discover the purpose of our trials, and ultimately encounter the passionate and furious love of God, the Savior who refuses to leave our side. Here’s a little bit of my journey:

As I’ve explained, when I was nineteen years old I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. This illness, a chemical imbalance that can be debilitating, led me to two hospitalizations in psychiatric wards throughout my time in college. After my recovery, I was convinced that things would never be the same. Fear suffocated me, my future seemed dim. I had a desperate desire to be normal, to accomplish my goals. 

I managed my illness but as time passed, I truly wanted to be married. With that desire came the lie that I could never be loved by a potential husband because of my disorder. I played the constant “what if” game. What if I get sick again? What if he couldn’t handle it? The questions haunted me, they caused me to doubt my confidence and not believe that I was worth being pursued. I couldn’t find freedom and acceptance of my circumstances. The cultural stigma created an ideology early on that I was somehow less than because of my diagnosis. 

At a time when I never imagined it would happen, a long time friendship with my now husband Tripp, blossomed into a beautiful romance and I found true acceptance from someone who had been there all along. On Thanksgiving of 2016, he proposed to me and we got married in April of 2017. Two months later, the inevitable happened and I had my third episode. This time, I had the love of my life by my side, who showed me the most unbelievable support and unconditional love through my mania. Through unwavering faith, we pushed through it as a team, and I was back to myself in a matter of a couple months. 

My greatest fear came to fruition as we dove into the unknown, and resurfaced more resilient than ever before. I now don’t just have a life that’s managed, but a life that’s flourishing. The experience infused my life with joy at the very time I least expected it. I talk about my illness often and provide support to those who currently find themselves where I’ve been. Simply put, I let them know they’re not alone. 

I now know that a mental illness doesn’t have to define you, but it can shape you. Bipolar disorder isn’t a crippling disease, but a means to connect with others and an opportunity to demonstrate that struggles have a profound impact in showing you what you’re capable of overcoming. I have a passion for breaking the stigma of these disorders, and show that with support and faith, no matter how long it takes, you can thrive. It’s never too late to have the life you’d always imagined, one that’s a beautiful expression of restored hope.

In this new year, I’m compiling stories of my own along with tidbits of insight, as well as stories of others. These stories will highlight those who have faced seemingly hopeless situations to do with mental health issues. Some have found freedom and restoration, some are still in the midst of it. Both stories are beautiful and worthwhile. Both showcase the redemptive love and power of Jesus - who remains faithful despite the hard things these issues throw at us.

Whether mental illness is something you deal with personally, know someone who deals with it, or you’re simply interested in learning more, stick with me through this new little venture. My hope is you’ll find a new perspective through the stories of others. We need each other, we need openness and vulnerability when it comes to the hard stuff, a way to embrace our stories. 2019, I’m excited for what you have in store.